梅雨明になって始めての猛暑、いかがお過ごしでしょうか。
昨日は東京から友達が来て、備前焼美術館を見学した後、
こちらの名所「閑谷学校(しずたにがっこう)」へ連れて
行こうとしたら車のクーラーのつけ過ぎで、オーバー・
ヒートをしてしまいました。
ちょうど駅前で故障しましたので、駅のお手洗いでペット
・ボトルに水を入れ、エンジンに向かって水を掛けまくり
大変な目にあってしまいました。
クーラーの付け過ぎ、くれぐれもお気をお付け下さい。
以下、備前市の紹介ページです。
http://www3.ocn.ne.jp/~bizenst/index.htmlで、本日、本屋に行きましたら、出ていました
「別冊 宝島」
以下、紹介ページです。
http://pub.twn.ne.jp/betaka_new/479663469x.html来年の大河、近藤勇が斬首されるところで終わるようです。
NHKも予算難で戦闘シーンまでいくとお金が掛かり
過ぎるとのこと。では、お暑い中、くれぐれもお体ご自愛のことお祈り
しております。
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Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Don’t drive me crazy — it’s within walking distance.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)
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Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot — and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Sterling’s Corollary to Clarke’s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
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If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
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In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
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Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
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Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The truth is more important than the facts.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
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Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
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Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
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There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
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I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
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A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
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Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
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I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.
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I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
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To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
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Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
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If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
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Hello!
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
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Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.
If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
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Support your local Search and Rescue unit — get lost.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
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The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
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I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)
If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.
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Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
The truth is more important than the facts.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot — and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
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All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
If you are going through hell, keep going.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
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Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Minsky’s Second Law: Don’t just do something. Stand there.
There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
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There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
War doesn’t make boys men, it makes men dead.
Don’t drive me crazy — it’s within walking distance.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.
In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
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Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it — and some of your spouse’s family too.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.
The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
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We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.
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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
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To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.
I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.
But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
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He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Oh for pity’s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
I am not young enough to know everything.
If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.
If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?
I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot — and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn’t have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn’t have an air force.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn’t have an air force.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
It’s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that’s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Throughout American history, the government has said we’re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It’s a hoax.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.
I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
O’Toole’s Corollary of Finagle’s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Throughout American history, the government has said we’re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It’s a hoax.
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I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.
We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Throughout American history, the government has said we’re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It’s a hoax.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Minsky’s Second Law: Don’t just do something. Stand there.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
The chain reaction of evil — wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
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